When I sat down to write this blog post, I checked in with myself and admitted that I was angry.
It was tempting to blame my anger on a person who is no longer my friend and rant about how immature that person is and how much more mature I am by comparison. That's a natural response to anger.
I've been doing that off and on for the last few days, in fact. And I don't feel any better.
So I decided to practice what I teach.
In my classes on self-healing, I teach 4 step processes to changing how we think and how we behave. Here are my Four Steps to Letting Go.
Step 1 - Decide I want to feel better. This was the easiest step. I was tired of being angry and hurt, and I wanted to feel excited about the good things in my life again.
Step 2 - Make a self-healing appointment with myself ASAP. I decided there was no better time than right now.
Step 3 - Explore how I feel, why I think I feel that way, why I really feel that way, how I want to feel instead, and what I need to feel that way instead. 5 questions, one activity. I opened my word processor and wrote an open letter to myself with the promise to myself, the Universe, and all things Good that no one would read it other than me.
Let's explore this essential promise for a minute. I used to believe that I had to tell the person who "made me" angry what they'd done wrong and that I needed to know that I'd been heard before I could let it go and move on. Because I believed that, I had a really hard time forgiving anyone and my mind was overrun with obsessive angry and hurtful thoughts. I would write letters, emails, even blog posts attacking whomever I felt had wronged me, detailing why they were wrong and what they needed to change about themselves. I didn't think of it this way then, but now I see that I was trying to shame them into changing.
Now I believe that the only person I can change is me, and that shame is a terrible weapon that I do not want in my arsenal.
So when I decide to explore my feelings today, I do it in a way that will not provide an opportunity for shame to strike anyone, not even me. If I feel bad about something I type, I instantly delete it and write something else instead, because it's not what I'm saying that is helping me heal - it is the process of writing it all out...and thinking it all out.
If I don't write it out, it's all running circles in my head, triggering fear, anger, and pain, making those harmful feelings stronger and stronger with every pass.
Beliefs are created when we think the same thoughts over and over and over and over until they sinks in so deeply they become one with our unconscious - the supercomputer part of our brain that guides our every thought and action beneath our awareness. If I allow myself to keep thinking the harmful thoughts, then I allow myself to create or strengthen harmful beliefs, and set myself back on my healing path.
Which leads me to: Step 4 - Create short, simple phrases to help me get back on track when I catch myself obsessing over the anger and hurt. This is my version of an affirmation, a helpful thought to replace the old hurtful ones.
In this case, I decided to remind myself of my personal goal to accept other people for who they are, without judging them as good or bad. I believe that this person is not compatible with me as a friend. I remind myself that if someone is not compatible with me, or behaves in a way I do not like, then all I have to do is let them go and keep seeking bonds with people who ARE compatible with me, and who DO behave in ways that I like.
So here are my affirmations:
It's my job to make me happy. Only I can make me happy. Only I can change me. Only I have the power to change my mood.
I feel better already. <3